The New Unknown

This second pregnancy feels quite different for me.

With my first, everything was unknown.

Even if you talk to a bunch of moms, read every book you can get your hands on and purchase all the necessary baby gear, you never really know how things will go. You are in uncharted territory.

I had no idea how to take care of an infant and went with the flow every step of the way, as I figure most do. I had many bumps but overcame them and always came out of it having learned a lesson.

Our first night at home with Maya was blissful, euphoric, and frankly; terrifying. Fearful of closing my eyes to sleep, I would lay awake as she slept, in anticipation of her next shrieking cry. I remember being so surprised by my own instincts; almost as though I was outside of my body watching myself perform these motherly tasks that I had no idea I knew how to do.

It felt right.

As if I were taking an exam, I didn’t prepare for but knew I would ace.

The knowledge was just in me.

The beginning, while wonderful in all the ways I heard it would be, was anxiety-ridden. Having a solid partner did not take away from the new feelings of uncertainty I felt as a woman and mother. Much of the time, I would convince myself I knew what I was doing, and that is how I learned. I felt the need to have a strong exterior even during my many moments of vulnerability. I got to know Maya quickly, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

She will be 2 in August. Sometimes I catch myself in a daze; marveling at all she has become. I am proud of myself for tackling motherhood as I have, and the joy I feel looking at her absorb the world supersedes all feelings of doubt.

She is perfect.

Having another baby brings upon new fears that I will likely reflect on in the future once I’ve mastered the art of baby balancing.

I am sure it’s an art; it has to be.

I no longer fear how to take care of an infant.

I am an expert “swaddler”.

I can tolerate the lack of sleep.

And I will navigate through breastfeeding with much more ease this time around.

All these things, I have covered.

 I fear feeling like an inadequate mother to Maya while much of my time and energy is devoted to the new baby. I fear her feeling an ounce of neglect because I can only physically do so much. I fear as her mind and imagination expand, that she will somehow feel less love.

That is my worst fear.

Months ago, before the pandemonium of COVID-19, I was enrolling Maya in daycare for 5 days a week to begin in August, thrilled at the idea of having her in a new learning environment with other toddlers. I knew that by that time having her out of the house half of the day would save my sanity. But plans have obviously changed, and I am unsure when I will feel safe enough to let her go to daycare.

Until television and film production resumes, Anis will be home. And as my due date nears, he and I are making sure we are on the same page about who will be doing what, and how to make this transition into a family of 4 a smooth one.

I cannot help but to try to plan out every possible scenario in my mind; this is just a part of my personality. Most of the time, I enjoy being this way; I was raised to be this way - To have back up plans and to always be prepared for the unknown. I have reaped the benefits of this behavior, especially as I have gotten older. But Anis is not this way. He creates a balance and peace within me and our home that is necessary when raising children.

Not everything can be controlled – and there have been and will be more days of complete madness and unplanned events to come. I trust myself enough to know I will conquer the unknown but am still learning each day how to manage my own anxieties.  We have only just begun.