Alone Time
I spend a lot of time alone.
When I say alone, I mean alone with my child, which is an entirely different type of alone (parents will understand that). Last year, most of my time reflecting taught me a lot about the woman I am, and I discovered how to pull myself out of a postpartum slump. I wouldn’t classify it as postpartum depression exactly. There are women suffering from PPD with far more severe side effects than I’ve experienced. In 2019 I fell back in love with Evan and was introduced to my multifaceted potential.
After getting pregnant again, then deciding to write a book, I felt I’d found a missing piece to my puzzle, which I had. There are so many steps to take before completing a chapter, let alone a book; and I often wonder while sporadically writing chunks of thoughts, “Is anyone going to care about this?” The less anxious side of my brain quickly reassures the overly anxious side that this is an insignificant question and I am worrying about the wrong things, once again letting my ego get in the way of my fluidity.
My husband has been gone for 6 weeks working on a production in Japan. Originally, I had planned to visit him in early February but with the chaos of the coronavirus and my paranoia getting the best of me, we decided it wasn’t wise to travel while pregnant with a 1 year old. I am sure we would have been fine, but it wasn’t worth the unnecessary stress it could’ve caused. With another 10 days until he returns, there are some days I feel lost in my thoughts. Being able to communicate with my partner when we’re apart for such a long time is the most important thing to me, especially with a 17-hour time difference. When I am going to sleep, he is in the middle of his workday and he is already asleep by the time I start my day.
Fortunately for me, I really like being by myself. I’d prefer for him to be with us, but I manage. I make my own schedule, other than being controlled by what my child needs lol. I become more of a clean freak when I am alone, spending a lot of time organizing and reorganizing, purging my house of clutter, and creating projects for myself to do. Maya is at the age where keeping her physically active is important to me; so, getting her out of the house is essential (trips to the park, her gym class, day care at the gym with me, errands and occasional playdates).
Too much alone time has a negative effect on me. I over evaluate everything, find reasons to stress over situations that are completely out of my hands and worry constantly about the future. Not only do I not like myself during these times, I feel guilty for being this way, because I know I am wrapped up in so many blessings. It makes me wonder what it takes for someone (or me, really) to be truly satisfied. I know life is not meant to be lived in distress; but no matter how well I hide it, that is how I have been living. It is something I’ve been working on and I am proud of my ability to recognize what I want to change. I know that completing this book will bring me a level of happiness I’ve been striving for, but to reach anything truly worth having, one must prove they are worthy of receiving it.
My daily mood is a direct response of how I choose to react to situations. This is less about being alone and more about learning how to feel and think positively when my mind wanders. I would be much more at peace if I mastered controlling my thoughts instead of allowing them to control me. I am a daydreamer. Living in the moment is a constant battle for me.