Doubt

I am having one of those days where I’m questioning everything; what I focus my time on, why I’m so addicted to my phone, why I haven’t been more dedicated to my health, etc.

I recently came back home to LA after visiting my husband in Vancouver for almost a month. Quite often, after I return from a trip, I am left with a feeling of emptiness. I am familiar with this feeling because I’ve done this so many times. As of late, my energy has been low, and my motivation to match. I try to pull out my laptop, my notebook or my phone to jot some thoughts down whenever my emotions get the best of me. I find it’s better to push through the discomfort rather than nestle in it. It’s rare (basically never) that this feeling ever prevents me from taking care of business, but I will say, I am a great faker. I can put a face on with the blink of an eye. It’s easier that way.

Maybe this is just a build up of lack of sleep and over exhaustion. Since returning home, Maya has not been sleeping well, yet she is still up at 6-7 a.m. every day. Come nap time, my mind is just too busy to relax. As you’ve probably read in previous posts, I am a huge fan of the cry it out method. But, since staying in a hotel for so many weeks, when she wokes up in her room, (a very large walk in closet that we put a pack n play in as her temporary bed), I am less inclined to let her cry it out in fear of getting complaints since we’re in closer quarters. Subsequently, I end up getting her and putting her in our bed just so everyone can keep their sanity. I’d feel badly if my husband has to wake up at 5:30 to leave for work and I let Maya wail it out for God only knows how long. The longest I’ve let her cry is an hour – a torturous, make you doubt your parenting skills hour.

I can only hope that her incessant restlessness the last couple weeks is because her bottom molars are coming through; but the truth is, there will always be an explanation for why a baby’s sleep isn’t smooth or consistent. I try to remember that at 2 in the morning when sleepiness is getting the best of me.

A few months back I wrote about anger and anxiety as a mother and explained when Maya was younger, I was illequiped to handle all those emotions. The worst part of it all is finding yourself angry with your child. I’ll react hastily and quick tempered and feel guilt a half a moment later. It’s never going to be your child’s fault; and until they can speak and express every discomfort they may be feeling, it’s up to mothers and fathers to keep their shit together and roll with the punches.

I’m talking to myself here – trust me.

I have so much more I want to say, but I am doing my best to still put out content while keeping a lot for my book; which yes, I AM STILL WRITING. Also, Maya keeps climbing on the couch trying to slam my laptop, so it’s time to conclude. I’ve given myself a book deadline of April or May with a “no excuses” clause in the invisible contract I made with myself. I’ve never done this before, but it’s happening. I believe this is what I am meant to do, so it shall be.