Claim It

I have always had difficulty finding happiness. Now that I am in my late 20’s with a family of my own, that “issue” is still a work in progress.

It seemed normal to me, prior to having a family, that this feeling would diminish once I found a partner and had my own children. Adulthood has taught me that nothing really “gets easier”, you just become more resilient. Constantly hearing that you are the pilot in your trip toward happiness only means something if you sincerely believe it. If not, you’re flailing; your world is full of excuses, passive behavior and blame games.

One thing I am grateful to in this life is the patience motherhood has brought me. There are days when I am so uncertain, but I persist and trust myself enough to know I will always make the best decisions for myself and for Maya.

I remember when I revived my blog after a long hiatus; a hiatus full of self-criticism and anguish, and would receive feedback from women stating they’re proud of me for making moves for my daughter. They’d explain that this is something she will be proud of. Undoubtedly, I think she will – when she’s old enough to understand Mommy’s love for writing about herself.

Judge me if you choose for what I am about to say, but I do not write for my daughter or how she’ll think of me when she’s older – I write for myself. I could sit here all day and claim “I’m doing this, so my daughter knows her mom is blah blah blah...” But I’d be lying. And I’m trying not to do that. It’s not that the two can’t go hand in hand, but it’s not in the forefront of my mind. At least for now.

I like that my writing is all me; all mine.

I am not here to write about my husband and his super cool career in excess or give a play by play of my daily mommy routine. There is and will always be so much more to me and my identity than my family. And while they bring a wondrous joy to my life, I am much more of a fulfilled woman with my writing. I am becoming the woman I always dreamed I’d be. I now have a firm grasp on my happiness, whereas before I was barely hanging on.

I’m so excited to share my book with you all, when finished. It will be as close to knowing my authentic self as I’ve ever been.