About time
After going back and forth for almost a year on whether I think I could be a successful blogger, I decided to say screw it to all my anxieties and just do it. You know what the most annoying part about having an idea and not pursuing it is? The little voice in your head saying you can’t. I know, I know, this is a very “cliché” statement. But it’s a cliché for a reason.
Early last Fall, I wrote a very in-depth piece about how the death of my Mother impacted my life as a teenager when it happened, and now, 13 years later as an adult. While all my thoughts came to me very organically, I spent a lot of time on it; trying to perfect my grammar as much as possible and make it a piece of work I knew people would want to read. I can positively say that I succeeded in that arena and received loads of positive feedback from family, friends and people I didn’t even know that came across it. You would think this would be an aspiring blogger’s dream response. And it was! You’d also think it would be all the confidence I would need to keep pushing forward. NOT.
The annoying version of myself kept thinking there was no way in hell I had the ability create content that could elicit the same emotional response from my readers as the story of my Mother’s passing. How do I beat that? That self doubt clouded my mind and I convinced myself it was an impossible task; forgetting that it’s MY website, and I make the rules. Ever since then, I’ve been ashamed of myself. I would cower whenever anyone close to me asked me when my next post was coming, created excuses as to why I let it linger and stopped visiting the site altogether because I was embarrassed that I allowed myself to fail.
I’ve always been this way; lacking direction and motivation. There have been very few things in my life that I’ve made a plan for and rode it ‘til the wheels fell off. I’ll admit that I am pretty good at masking these traits. On paper, I think I look good to the average person. I graduated from my undergraduate University in 4 years, had various internships, completed by Master’s program by the age of 23 and always seemed to be a "go getter". But I simply wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be, but I never felt smart or capable enough. I was just riding a wave and always doing the bare minimum.
Maybe some of you think I am being too hard on myself; but I know I’m not. I don’t mean to completely discredit my own work ethic; there was definitely hard work in between all the fronts I put up. But I have never reached my full potential and every time I got remotely close, I slacked off. Lacking confidence is a crazy concept. You can have all the love and support from those who matter to you, the skills to make a dream come true and still sit on your ass as if someone else is going to do it for you. Kind of makes me feel like a spoiled brat. Who did I think I was?
There are plenty of people around the world that sacrifice EVERYTHING they have so they can have a solid education for themselves or their children and create a future from nothing. I don’t want 10 years to pass me by and feel as though I’ve squandered it all because of uncertainty, as if I’m supposed to wake up every morning with all the answers. The challenge is a part of it! Making myself uncomfortable and doing things out of the ordinary is where growth truly emerges. Comfort zones are for suckers and I want to thrive. I want to do right by myself, whatever the outcome may be. So, I’ve made the promise to start holding myself accountable and push through whatever obstacles seem “impossible” in that moment. If I don’t, I am only playing myself.