In the Final Stretch
My mind hasn’t been in the right place lately. I’m not living in the moment and it shows so much through my anxiety and incessant need to be in complete control. Maybe this is a normal feeling when you’re 37.5 weeks pregnant and just completely over it. I can positively say that I am not one of those women who loves every moment of pregnancy. Not a chance. I try not to harp on this much because it makes me feel a bit guilty. I’m aware there are women all over the world that would give everything to carry a child and cannot or struggle to because of a variety of factors. I know that to be pregnant is a blessing; there’s really nothing more amazing than growing a human inside of you and bringing them into the world. I find myself not wanting to complain in fear of the judgement or backlash I would face from the community of moms. Some people are so outright with their pushy opinions without just giving a woman the chance to vent.
So, this is me venting.
I AM OVER IT.
Its frustrating enough to have to get out of bed 6 times a night, (yes, I said 6) to use the bathroom, but what’s worse is when you’ve found a perfect comfy spot, but your bladder just won’t let you live. Not to mention I look over to my right at my husband sleeping ever so soundly and, on his stomach, (I’m a stomach sleeper); and I can’t help but glare at him with envy. Thinking to myself, “How dare you have a good night sleep in front of me.”
I’m horrible, I know.
Ahh the little things I used to take for granted.
I remember a few months back when it was hot, but not deathly hot as it is now, and people would approach me out and about, ask how far along I am, then proceed to say how much I’ll hate being pregnant in the summer. You see, I KNEW THAT ALREADY! Thanks for the unsolicited, annoying comment random person I don’t know.
Pregnancy brings out this confidence in people to just express their opinions so freely. Now, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m one of those anal, overly sensitive women who you can’t say anything to without the ugly coming out, but some people should reeeeally keep their mouths shut. I’d say at this point in my pregnancy, I’ve more than likely heard it all.
Through all the complaints, it’s still difficult to wrap my head around the idea of her being outside of my body in a couple of weeks. I imagine I’ll still be stunned after her arrival.
I spent the first 4.5 months of my pregnancy with debilitating nausea, losing so much weight, not keeping any form of food or water down and requiring medication just to function on a subpar level. At 7 weeks pregnant I moved back to Los Angeles from Atlanta on my own with all my belongings and our larger, older dog in cargo. Thank God I left Atlanta when I did because a few weeks after, United Airlines policy changed and now pets in cargo are prohibited across all airlines. I had to be on the worlds bumpiest flight. As we flew over the Colorado Rocky Mountains, turbulence was so extreme, many people were screaming and crying. I’ve never been more afraid on a flight in my life. I began to cry, out of sheer terror, and this kind woman to my right, sitting next to her husband, held my hand tightly without saying a word. Not the best scenario for someone whose nausea is so intense. Amidst a brief lull in turbulence, I got up to walk to the restroom, discarding of everything I ate that day. I’ve never been happier to land safely.
The next couple of months were rough on my stomach. I would dread waking up in the morning because it just meant another long day of constant nausea and discomfort. During this seemingly endless period, I didn’t want to leave the house. Home was a safe space for me, where I knew a toilet was nearby when I needed to throw up and I wouldn’t encounter any unwanted scents that would turn my stomach the wrong way. I remember traveling home to Sacramento with my brother at the end of March for a brief visit with my family and not being able to enjoy my Step Mom’s macaroni and cheese. If you know me…you know I take my macaroni and cheese seriously.
By now, you get the picture. It sucked.
One day it slowly began to taper off and I was able to enjoy my second trimester. I was in New York City at the time, for a two-month period, and took full advantage of the 99 cent a slice pizza; indulging in everything I missed out on in early pregnancy.
After flying back home to Los Angeles 6 weeks ago for my baby shower and to begin the nesting phase, I feel I am as ready as I could possibly be to embark upon this new journey. I have been so blessed with gifts and essentials for the baby from my family and friends and I am truly overwhelmed by the love and positivity I’ve received. I’m sure a month from now, when my baby is here, I’ll be so absorbed by my love for her and all the beautiful pain that comes along with recovery and revival that my current woes will seem like a distant memory. I often forget to stay in the moment and enjoy each phase of life, blissfully. This is easier said than done for most people; and I’ve found that for me at least, it is a constant effort to stay in the moment and learn to separate stress from gratitude. I am an infinite work in progress. Imagining how having a child will affect my state of mind and how I approach an obstacle is completely overwhelming. I am slowly but surely preparing my soul to become an entirely new version of myself.
It’s amazing what new, unconditional love can create within you.