I Need a Break

Sometimes I need a break; a “momming” break. I am learning to become more comfortable admitting this and acknowledging that it is a healthy feeling to have. I often wonder if I’ve lost Mom followers due to my candidness…oh well.

Being a stay at home mom trying to find my way into the working world has its challenges that many probably don’t realize. Time management is a necessity in my life; without lists and phone reminders, I would be drowning. Maya is about to be 1 year old and her energy is at an all time high. Often times I feel like I never have a moment to myself; so, I revel in private bathroom trips, nap time and as I read on Instagram recently, the walk to the drivers seat after I strap her in the car seat (real talk).

 I am sitting on my couch typing this as Maya sits in her highchair finishing her pancake rambling, “Mamamamamama”; aka “I’m done now Mom, get me out”. Usually when I write a blog post, it’s not a process; I don’t write for a week and make corrections every day or so. I sit down, usually the day before or the day I plan on posting, start writing, and typically won’t stop until I am finished. There is a creative fire that burns within me once I’ve begun and to put that fire out mid-sentence is extremely frustrating and causes me writer’s block. If I must take a break (like just now to clean pancake out of Maya’s hair), I try my best to keep the wheels turning and then immediately resume as she plays by my feet.

*Phew* Just put her down for a nap; let’s get into it.

For my 28th birthday my husband bought me a spa day at The Ivy Day Spa. This was a huge deal for me because I rarely take self-care outside of my skin care routine or reading a book in the morning. I had a prenatal massage once when I was 7 months pregnant, when discomfort starting setting in, but nothing beyond that. Since becoming a mother, I am horrible at celebrating myself. I have yet to use my spa day and my birthday was in November… NOVEMBER.

It’s not that I don’t want to, (please believe, I do); But it’s almost like I need to be pushed out of the door and reassured that it’s okay to take this time, otherwise it will never happen. It is okay to let the laundry, or the dishes pile up for a day just to get out, alone, and find fulfillment in a solo day. Since my daughter was born, I haven’t spent an entire day away from her. The longest time she and I have been apart was 6 hours when I drove to West Hollywood to get my hair done; two of those hours being the drive there and back (ah, such a peaceful drive).

Until recently, I wasn’t actively thinking of hiring a babysitter; because I always thought I could fall back on having a friend or family member watch her. But people have jobs, families and social lives and on the rare occasion a family member or friend has watched her, I am overcome with guilt. It’s crazy, I know. To make matters worse, it is self-inflicted guilt, which makes me crazier.

Motherhood is a learning experience every step of the way. In the beginning, I would allow the stress and confusion to irk me to the point of locking myself in the bathroom a few times to have a good cry. It happens, and I have not an ounce of shame admitting this. Through Maya’s growth, I am evolving. These pivotal moments that appear to be breaking me down in the moment are only revealing my underlying strength.

I am grateful.

I am blessed.

But trust, I will be taking that break.