Hello. Clearly, it’s been a minute. I’ve been wanting to pick back up with writing for a while but kept using the “I never have time these days” excuse and continued to push it off.

2018 was a pivotal year for my family; Welcoming our baby, buying our first house and being apart from each other for weeks at a time. It’s certainly a tolerable amount of time, but an adjustment when your whole world has shifted tremendously.

During the first 3 months of Maya’s life, when I’d have free time, I’d either be scurrying around my house tidying up before she wakes up from her nap, multitasking on a level I couldn’t have comprehended before motherhood, or scrolling through my phone googling various baby related questions.

That must be a run-on sentence…

Now that I’ve figured out a routine that works for me, I am finding a way to fit writing and doing for myself into that routine. Holding myself accountable is something I battle with and I often feel ashamed of. Writing didn’t fit in with my priorities, but it should’ve. I would love to reach a point where I can post every week, confidently. I am admittedly very flawed but accepting I always have room for improvement.

Since having Maya I’ve struggled with finding my beauty again. I thought that I would naturally find the time to do things for myself but it’s much more complicated than that. Prior to sleep training, sleep deprivation ran my world and made me a more anxious and quick tempered person. Finding patience and peace through that is a challenge when you have someone you’re responsible for. There have been days that I didn’t want to look in the mirror; I didn’t want to put myself in a position to pick every piece of myself apart.

On the contrary, there are days when I feel like I’m the baddest thing walking; A super human raising a strong young lady. I like to stay in that place. Mom confidence. Woman confidence. Feeling like you’re the shit is a great thing; because I am not in competition with anyone but myself. I have spent my whole life waiting to reach a point of utter “unbotheredness” and becoming Maya’s mom only affirms that I don’t need to have a constant stamp of approval from others. I am becoming self-aware enough to know my worth and to see my light without that acknowledgment.

At this point in my life I am striving to be the person I fantasize to be, the woman I am in my mind, externally.